I am grieving for the loss of who I am, of who I was.
This is painful enough, but I’m also grieving for what I’m about to lose, for what I will lose in the coming weeks.
This anticipation of pain, of change, of loss, creates more suffering than necessary. My training and experience directs me not to extend myself into the future, nor dwell upon the past. I am struggling, as the future loss is imminent.
Action will assuage my stress, yet in truth there is little action I can take to change the future, and none that can change the past.
Change is growth; without change we become static and brittle – lifeless. But while I hope for transformation, I face a certain amount of anihilation.
I admit part of me is trying to hold on to the past, to what and who I was, and even to the posessions I’ve accrued over the years. The value of such posessions can be debated; I will only say that some are treasures from across the world, from loved ones long passed.
I have become less, and I will be brought lower still. Spiritually, this does not affect me. Mentally, I’m struggling to adjust. Physically, I’m unsure how I will live in my environment.
The grief cycle, it is said, goes: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (or some such variance). I believe I’m too experienced to point-blank deny anything, but I have days when I distract myself so as not to think. I feel anger. I’m working through my feelings of self-rightiousness (rarely useful), and in many ways I’m at the bargaining stage. I have no one to bargain with, and no one can beseech Tao. Yet I’m bargaining all the same.
I am ready to simplify my life beyond my original plans, but I’m concerned about many things.